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The following is not a definitive guide, nor claims to be correct, right, true or anything else in that line. People Pleasing can also take the form of, and often does, of actions full of kindness, compassion, love for one's fellow humans - actions which are based on a firm sense of self and one's own boundaries of self and other. These actions come from a clarity of purpose and meet perfectly the demands of the situation in hand and casue no harm to the giver and recipient.
However, sometimes People Pleasing can become a habit in which considerable harm can be caused to both parties, especially the People Pleaser themselves. So avoid becoming deeply depressed as you read this ensure you are able to tell the difference, especially if you suspect you are a PP!
Successful People Pleasers aim to please everyone, all the time, except themselves, which results in
PP (People Pleaser) being pleased, for a while (but probably begins to feel guilty for being pleased) … then resumes looking for PPP opportunities. However, ....
.... Un-successful People Pleasing leads to:
People not being pleased… which leads to:
People Pleaser not being pleased… which leads to:
PP feeling resentful or guilty … which leads to:
PP feeling anxious … which leads to:
PP trying to please people.
People Pleasing is a version of a co-dependency pattern whereby:
The People Pleaser wants: to be happy
But first wants: everyone else to be happy (in the whole world)
And if they aren’t then: the PP can’t be either.
People Pleasers have a hard time of it and can suffer one, some or all of the following:
• Guilt
• Resentment
• Anger/rage/temper
• Frustration
• Chronic anxiety
• Dislike or hatred of self
• Mindreading
• Lack of awareness of others’ needs
They are on the lookout for:
• People pleasing opportunities
• People who might not be pleased – in the present, past or future (according to their mind-reading perception of the people involved)
• Situations where people might not be/aren’t pleased – in the present, past or future (according to their mind-reading perception of the situation/possible situation)
People Pleasers often are susceptible to the following beliefs:
• It is their responsibility to “save” and/or make people happy – whatever the circumstances and whether or not it is any of their business
• That people (including the PP themselves) should be happy, all the time – which leads to anxiety in the constant realisation that they and other people are not.
• That if they have money they should give it away because:-
o If they don’t they perceive themselves to be mean
o If they do it will make other people happy
o If they do it means they are good
• That they are mean/bad/selfish/etc
• That they shouldn’t say “horrible” things to people otherwise they are bad and other people will think that too (see below ref "horrible")
• That if they stand up for themselves or state what they wish/require to say they will be in danger
• That they are in danger
• That “horrible” things includes standing one’s ground/stating one’s truth/disagreeing/asking for what is rightfully theirs
• That if they put others first they are not selfish
• That even though they put others first they are selfish
• That they must put up with people’s bad treatment (verbal or physical) of them otherwise they are not nice/compassionate/patient/understanding enough
• That they are not nice/compassionate/patient/understanding enough.
So the cycle is thus:
MIND READING - what they think (believing they "know") other people are thinking, which leads to ...
PEOPLE PLEASING - which leads to .....
RESENTMENT - because often people don't want/need that which is offered, which leads to ......
ANGER - often repressed because its “not nice” and then occasional explosive outbursts occur). Which leads to ....
GUILT - which leads to ....
ANXIETY - which leads to ....
MINDREADING.
People Pleasers often will:
• Restrict themselves in some way: food, money etc.
• Have body issues/disorders
• Have guilt issues “If I do this then this will happen and it will be all my fault”
• Want to change the world and everyone in it and are constantly resentful because, for some reason unknown to them, “they” isn’t changing’ the way they ought to be doin’
• They are generally not good decision makers in case they upset someone by what they decide but when they do make a decision it usually upsets everyone because it was made from a distorted assessment of the situation in hand, based on mindreading and the ensuing assumptions of what people will want, or not.
• Are not honest – even though honesty is high on the “required for life” list – in the sense that they spend a lot of time trying to work out what the “right” thing is to say/do at the expense of it being true for them. Plus, they don’t really know what is true for them so it doesn’t seem like dishonesty.
Favourite People Pleasing Phrases are:
• “Oh, I don’t mind”
• “You decide”
• “Whatever”
• “Oh it doesn’t matter (to me)”
• “Its up to you”
• “Whatever anyone else is having”
• “Yes”
• “I should have…(done/said this, that, the other)
• Should have/ought to/must/need to etc
People Pleasers sometimes:
• have a strong ethical conscience which they apply not only to themselves but to others – there are certain things (lots of them) that “one” just doesn’t/oughtn’t/shouldn’t/mustn’t do or say – and although “one” is judged accordingly by the PP they have to find a “compassionate” excuse for “one’s” behaviour – except “one’s own.
• are usually disassociated in some way from their own or others’ physical body: touching for instance can be aberrant to them.
• are seen by others as “nice people” – quiet, genteel, pleasant etc, which, on more intimate knowing, can become frustrating, annoying etc.
• make many rules and standards in order to be able to prove/judge that they and other people are compassionate, generous etc – so many that they and other people frequently fall short
• have the capacity to hold resentment/hurts/traumatic memory for a long time
• are excellent at supporting someone in their pursuit of success to the detriment of their own
• blame others based on all the rules/standards they themselves have set – (this is part of a general pattern seen in anxiety - see Andrew T. Austin’s “Three Pillars of Depression”)
• can be exceptionally controlling of other people’s behaviour as well as their own
• are often late for appointments because they haven’t been able to curtail the previous one soon enough
• don’t get done what they need to get done because they don’t make clear boundaries, goals and priorities – “everything (or everyone)” stops them from achieving their goals, plus other people’s (mind reading here) priorities are more important than their own. Interestingly, this leads to a total unawareness of other people’s priorities and goals – hence some of the ensuing annoyance and frustration from other people.
Favourite Thoughts of People Pleasers:
• “Maybe s/he’s thinking I’m ….”
• “S/he needs to ….”
• “What are they thinking about me …?” (usually bad of course)
• “Perhaps they’ll think I’ve ….”
• “I should/n’t have said/done …”
• “Is s/he angry with me …”
• “S/he is angry with me …”
• “S/he doesn’t like me ….”
• “What have I done ….”
• “Nothing I do for him/her is good enough”
• “If I say/do this they will say/do that”
• And lots more.
Again, please be sure you can tell the difference between your natural kindness and anything of the above. Go well and kindly, to yourself and others.
Gill Eardley 2010. Please do not reproduce any of this without permission. Thankyou.
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